The last time I wrote was six months ago, which means
that is half a year of disengaging from what makes me feel alive. Today, the realization
makes me a little unsettled. I sit here amid the clamor of Union Square and
reflect back on what has been this past year for me, and I cannot help but to
feel Disappointment and Despondency. How did I lose sight of things? Time
passed as it always does and I did nothing with it. Time was squandered away
between my Bitterness and Anger. Now that fourteen months have passed since my descent,
I am afraid to write. (Did I just admit that aloud?) I am terrified of what I
love the most. How does that make any sense? I cannot make sense of it but
hoping in time I do. Where is my inspiration today to write? Are my words coming
to me naturally or are these words depicting a falsehood? Ambiguity consumes me
as I write and thirst for clearness.
I want to write.
I need to write.
I love to write.
So why the gut wrenching fear? I cannot be me unless I
write with Liberty and Clarity. My words are all tied in knots in my mind after
so long being hidden, and tucked forcefully away. An abundance of thoughts
sprung anew and I ignored them. I went against my very own conviction and
pretended they did not exist. But
starting today, I am hoping for Redemption. I am hoping for Forgiveness and
paving myself a new path: nurturing my Mind, Body, and Soul. I want to heal. I need to heal. – Yet one
thing prevents me from taking this step forward. Fear hovers over me and as I
realize I don’t want my words to be censored. Consequently, questions resonate within:
How do I tell the truth without suppression? How can I be me with the rest of
the World I have always felt disconnected from? How do you convey your thoughts
without a belief of detachment?
I don’t have the answers and I’m not sure what lies
ahead. So I’m just going to write without further ado.
Life has caught me by surprise a plethora of times and
just when I think nothing can possibly amaze me, Life lets out that sarcastic
bitch of a laugh and says, “Oh yeah. Get a little taste of this why don’t ya.”
I didn’t stumble. I fell. I cannot deny that I did not
flirt with the cliff this time. I didn’t seduce the idea by running to and fro
from the edge. Nor did I stand at the edge and look down to see what was
waiting for me at the pit. I had no sense of Time nor could I distinguish
anymore between Day and Night. I rarely saw the Sun, and the Moon, who
hypnotizes me with its mystery, did not summon me this time. I didn’t even stop
to see in what direction were the winds carrying lost Souls this time.
I. Just. Jumped.
In haste, I dove to the open space with my arms and legs
out stretched and closed my eyes. I did
not want to see. I did not care to
see; the world had lost its beauty, its purity, it’s divinity. Of what use
could my eyes be? I entrusted everything to Feeling. I couldn’t hear anything.
I couldn’t taste anything either. I just felt. I felt Pain enclose me in its
arms as it cradled me with Misery. It kept me company throughout my fall and as
I continued to descend, I felt Pain’s grip tighten. I could no longer breathe
or feel anything. I became numb. I had lost all my senses and with that, I lost
Myself.