Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Free Fall

The last time I wrote was six months ago, which means that is half a year of disengaging from what makes me feel alive. Today, the realization makes me a little unsettled. I sit here amid the clamor of Union Square and reflect back on what has been this past year for me, and I cannot help but to feel Disappointment and Despondency. How did I lose sight of things? Time passed as it always does and I did nothing with it. Time was squandered away between my Bitterness and Anger. Now that fourteen months have passed since my descent, I am afraid to write. (Did I just admit that aloud?) I am terrified of what I love the most. How does that make any sense? I cannot make sense of it but hoping in time I do. Where is my inspiration today to write? Are my words coming to me naturally or are these words depicting a falsehood? Ambiguity consumes me as I write and thirst for clearness.

I want to write.
I need to write.           
I love to write.

So why the gut wrenching fear? I cannot be me unless I write with Liberty and Clarity. My words are all tied in knots in my mind after so long being hidden, and tucked forcefully away. An abundance of thoughts sprung anew and I ignored them. I went against my very own conviction and pretended they did not exist.  But starting today, I am hoping for Redemption. I am hoping for Forgiveness and paving myself a new path: nurturing my Mind, Body, and Soul.  I want to heal. I need to heal. – Yet one thing prevents me from taking this step forward. Fear hovers over me and as I realize I don’t want my words to be censored. Consequently, questions resonate within: How do I tell the truth without suppression? How can I be me with the rest of the World I have always felt disconnected from? How do you convey your thoughts without a belief of detachment?

I don’t have the answers and I’m not sure what lies ahead. So I’m just going to write without further ado.  

Life has caught me by surprise a plethora of times and just when I think nothing can possibly amaze me, Life lets out that sarcastic bitch of a laugh and says, “Oh yeah. Get a little taste of this why don’t ya.”

I didn’t stumble. I fell. I cannot deny that I did not flirt with the cliff this time. I didn’t seduce the idea by running to and fro from the edge. Nor did I stand at the edge and look down to see what was waiting for me at the pit. I had no sense of Time nor could I distinguish anymore between Day and Night. I rarely saw the Sun, and the Moon, who hypnotizes me with its mystery, did not summon me this time. I didn’t even stop to see in what direction were the winds carrying lost Souls this time.  
I. Just. Jumped.
In haste, I dove to the open space with my arms and legs out stretched and closed my eyes.  I did not want to see. I did not care to see; the world had lost its beauty, its purity, it’s divinity. Of what use could my eyes be? I entrusted everything to Feeling. I couldn’t hear anything. I couldn’t taste anything either. I just felt. I felt Pain enclose me in its arms as it cradled me with Misery. It kept me company throughout my fall and as I continued to descend, I felt Pain’s grip tighten. I could no longer breathe or feel anything. I became numb. I had lost all my senses and with that, I lost Myself.


  1. Wow, you are an AMAZING writer. I am absolutely speechless, please don't stop writing things like this.

  2. Thank you cous. I needed to hear that. After not writing for so long, I can't help but to admit I have lost my confidence. Hoping to regain it. Love you and you miss you.

  3. Every once and awhile we need to have those falls to remind us of our mortality and the quickness of our earthly lives. Our strength is seen not in succeeding in moments of clarity and peace, but it is found in the filthy raw moments when we are forced to pick ourselves out of resignation and face the fears we hold deep within.

    I am proud of you and excited to keep reading your posts. Te quiero.

  4. I already have several quotes from here that I fell in love with. I'll be quoting them 'LJ'? --- Loved what you wrote. Love your writing, always have and always will! It can touch me in a way that no one elses writing can. Maybe because you're my sister? Or maybe because I can relate to your writing? Not sure.... but expect for me to start quoting everything you write lol. Can't wait until the next one! Love you! -Mrs. Officer

  5. Hi LJ - I am glad that you have re-taken writing - you do it in a way that is refreshingly raw, introspective and inspiring. Keep it up!!! I look forward to continue reading your posts. Love, katharine

  6. Losing yourself is a way of finding yourself. To find ourselves we must remove all the layers of dust we have collected through societal expectations. That is the only way to reach the core of who we really are.

    As for fear, let go of that emotion. How boring a world it would be if all of us censored our feelings and thoughts. Let the world get to know you. If what you are saying isn't hurting or demeaning anyone then speak freely and truly.

    Do not live your life in fear of who you are. You are wonderful. Give variety to this world, paint it with your true colors.

    1. I second everything you say Yessy!

      I wholeheartedly believe that sometimes losing yourself is the only way to actually find yourself.

  7. My dearest,

    I knew I had read something long ago, that relates to what you write. From Ricky Martin's book:

    "I learned that it is very easy to lose yourself in the pain. Pain comes, it seduces you, it plays with you, and you identify with it to the point that you start to believe this is how life is. When you feel that heaviness in your heart, most of the time the parameters of pain and relief become blurry, and it is very easy to stay stuck in what you already know, pain. We lose our memory and forget the peaceful moments when everything was light and gravity was an ally. It's okay to feel hurt -- it's human. It's important to feel, but you cannot cling to sadness, distress, or bitterness for too long, because they will inevitably destroy you."

    I learned through my own experience that we start to feel like losing ourselves is the answer, but really the answer is coming back to oneself, in the purest form. So, I am glad you are writing again and coming back to yourself- to me, that is a sign of healing.

    Also, I try to live by the motto: "Go away from fear and into love". You definitely can't let fear be the reason you don't do things. I can understand you feeling nervous about writing again- maybe afraid it won't have the same effect on you? Maybe afraid you won't love it like you remember doing? Listen to yourself.

    Love always!

  8. To all of you who took the time to read this and share with me your own personal thoughts, I want to express my sincere gratitude. I am touched. I humbly thank you all. - Post 2 coming soon.

    Love & Peace,