I want to write.
I need to write.
I love to write.
So why the gut wrenching fear? I cannot be me unless I write with Liberty and Clarity. My words are all tied in knots in my mind after so long being hidden, and tucked forcefully away. An abundance of thoughts sprung anew and I ignored them. I went against my very own conviction and pretended they did not exist. But starting today, I am hoping for Redemption. I am hoping for Forgiveness and paving myself a new path: nurturing my Mind, Body, and Soul. I want to heal. I need to heal. – Yet one thing prevents me from taking this step forward. Fear hovers over me and as I realize I don’t want my words to be censored. Consequently, questions resonate within: How do I tell the truth without suppression? How can I be me with the rest of the World I have always felt disconnected from? How do you convey your thoughts without a belief of detachment?
I don’t have the answers and I’m not sure what lies ahead. So I’m just going to write without further ado.
Life has caught me by surprise a plethora of times and just when I think nothing can possibly amaze me, Life lets out that sarcastic bitch of a laugh and says, “Oh yeah. Get a little taste of this why don’t ya.”
I didn’t stumble. I fell. I cannot deny that I did not flirt with the cliff this time. I didn’t seduce the idea by running to and fro from the edge. Nor did I stand at the edge and look down to see what was waiting for me at the pit. I had no sense of Time nor could I distinguish anymore between Day and Night. I rarely saw the Sun, and the Moon, who hypnotizes me with its mystery, did not summon me this time. I didn’t even stop to see in what direction were the winds carrying lost Souls this time.
I. Just. Jumped.
In haste, I dove to the open space with my arms and legs out stretched and closed my eyes. I did not want to see. I did not care to see; the world had lost its beauty, its purity, it’s divinity. Of what use could my eyes be? I entrusted everything to Feeling. I couldn’t hear anything. I couldn’t taste anything either. I just felt. I felt Pain enclose me in its arms as it cradled me with Misery. It kept me company throughout my fall and as I continued to descend, I felt Pain’s grip tighten. I could no longer breathe or feel anything. I became numb. I had lost all my senses and with that, I lost Myself.