“Together with man Grief is Born.”

There’s nothing challenging about the state of Happiness. How difficult is it to smile? Laugh? C’mon. That’s easy. It’s Sorrow that you have to defeat. It always wants to win.

Sorrow has always been a loyal companion, but also powerful, constant inspiration, an insurmountable strength in my life; something as minuscule as Contentment was overshadowed. No. Not overshadowed as if Happiness was disguised or displaced. It was an actual extermination of the concept in and of itself- And let’s face it, everyone has their own personal notion of the almighty, mysterious question: “What is happiness?” (Buddha, Lord, if I just would have listened to you then.  But, we all learn in retrospect, otherwise there would never be lessons in Life. ) Glimpses are all I would see; taste, and they were all so brief, it’s almost difficult to remember muchless discern the moments. I use to think Happiness was an illusion. I questioned those moments of euphoria, and was in disbelief that for those milliseconds in this massive shithole we all refer to as Life, my Soul smiled. It was absolute, indisputable, an overwhelming, unrecognizable state of a foreign feeling, a natural high.

How do I explain what has been this past year of my life? Will words really depict every emotion, the numbness I felt? I have always had Faith in Words, but today I feel an uncertainty and I’m afraid my Doubt has betrayed my very own personal creed.

I lived an entire year with no sense of aim at all. As soon as I opened my eyes I felt  Sadness cradling me; beckoning me to keep it company. My heart would sting and  the contours of Melancholia would reflect a sly smile. “Son of a bitch,” I’d say with indignation. This was as soon as I would open my eyes, before I could formulate a single thought, process anything, stretch out my legs. It was just there.

Every.

Single.

Forsaken.

Morning.

When you’re at the edge of a cliff, you don’t stop and ask for help. You’ve exceeded the point of support.

I never really stopped and thought about the effects post-Fall.  Foresight abandoned me; betrayed me. I was not in some ocean of denial, as I have always been very much in touch with Who I Am. I’d be lying to you and most importantly to myself if I pretended that I did not recognize the hole I myself created. But why would I think of things like Consequence? I was indulging in Self-Destruction. The very taste of it kept me wanting more, just the mere idea was a drug. The concept: Self-annihilation became addictive. I didn’t just cuddle with it; I injected myself with the idea. My intravenous drug entailed in finding pleasure in the consumption of a glass of wine or two. Then the two glasses become a half a bottle, half a bottle becomes a bottle, and before I knew it I had developed such a high tolerance I could drink at the very least two bottles of wine all on my own. People say something about those who drink by themselves. It’s an adage, which does not come to mind. –But I developed a sense of pride in the amount of wine I was able to consume, and I became prouder when I knew I didn’t need company. In my eyes, that showed Strength.  Vino became my Friend, my “go to person.” The only companion who never questioned me, never judged me, never expected anything in return and never interrupted my Thoughts. It became my Shield from my Reality. How pathetic is that? But when you are walking a labyrinth of Pain and Detachment, well…I suppose you attach yourself to someone. Someone that can make you believe that you’re still alive, and that perhaps there is a purpose in this shit hole. Vino was the only attachment I had to this world. Hence, my evenings consisted of drinking myself to sleep.

It was all downhill from there.

I didn’t want anyone’s help and especially felt that I did not need it. I had everything under control.  I was in control. If only a wave would come and take me away. I sat there on the beautiful white pristine sand and hoped for it. I’d look at the water recede from the shore with force, as it begins to form a wave, and wished with all my Might, that it would have one goal in mind; to take me into an irrevocable abyss.